See this guy here? He’s probably telling the whale about the power of positive thinking.
Today, I feel like the biggest waste of money, flesh, time, love, thoughts possible. I have made no progress in recovery. I just put things in and get nothing out. I’m a living drain! If I were a machine, I’d be replaced. If I were a car, I’d be scrapped for parts. If I were an appliance, I’d be rusting in a waste station somewhere. Of course, with gratitude, this is not how human beings work. It’s just how I feel today. Like the last year has been an incessant withdraw with no positive returns. I’m draining my family and the world. WASTE. Who’s in charge here? Oh, that would be me. Well, I want to be fired.
This morning, I had a full-body pet-scan. It’s a unique way to look for abnormalities in a person’s tissues that involves injecting some kind of radiopharmaceutical into the patient’s vein, then leaving the patient in a dark room while the chemical circulates and infiltrates all of the patient’s organs, and then sending he or she through a strange, white space-station-looking scanner for about a half an hour. Hooray! A new set of pictures of my perpetually problematic body. I can’t help it, I hope the radiologists see something. Something precise and manageable such as a golf-ball size tumor or a little row of tumors running down my neck like a pearl-necklace, perfectly marking all of the points of pain. Something to go after and remove. I want them to find something that can explain this huge shift in my reality. I want something to change or to articulate what has happened in my body. What a brat.
It seems that, as much as I am living the proof that CFS is a real, serious disorder, a part of me doubts that this could really be that and hopes for a less-mysterious illness. And a way out of this kind of purgatory where I am fully committed to recovery- but have no idea what to do to recover. I have never ever ever ever had such a big problem in my life and had such little power to change it. I want something with a road-map, I don’t care where it takes me. This is the entry where I sound like a real spoiled and ignorant piece of shit. As my psychiatrist said this afternoon, “We are human… no one can be a beacon of virtue every second of every day.”