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secret battlefields (the end of something)

“…the willingness to drop all trajectories, willingness to boot up with all extensions OFF, willingness not to save this world but simply to wait for it to disclose itself to you, whether anything seems, even after long long waiting, to be disclosing itself to you or not…” –David James Duncan in Strategic Withdrawal: A Tool for Restoration

Kahwa

Today may be one of my last shifts at the cafe, at least for a long while.  It is Memorial Day.  At the cafe, we stayed busy from open to close.  There were new customers- perhaps on vacation- and also a flood of familiar faces, sunburnt and giggly and thirsty for their java concoctions!  At around noon, a little girl walked up to the cafe entrance and projectile-vomitted all over the front door and sidewalk, christening it a True American Holiday (in the service industry).  For some reason, today my neck and head pain was god-awful, beyond the usual.  I start work at 6:00am, and by 9:00am this morning I was having a hard time taming my grimaces with a smile and just moving my head enough to do the basic customer interactions like: pouring coffee, asking, “room for cream?”, making change in the drawer, bagging pastries, and so on (not to mention doing dishes, hauling furniture, taking out the trash, yada yada yada).  In any case, I can work through a lot of difficult emotions and issues and still maintain a positive attitude, but lately there are times when the physical pain is nearly insurmountable.

Boy oh boy, though, I will miss the kind customers.  And I will miss the jibber-jab with my co-workers and the pleasure of doing simple tasks with great care.  I will miss the happy, laid-back, friendly atmosphere at the shop, and my chance to encourage more of this.  I can only begin to imagine all of the ways I will miss this job, but I know without a doubt that quitting is my only option if I hope to recover, physically.  My body has literally been falling apart over the last month.  Wow.  I am so thankful for the company I have had here at this job.  A seriously special group of people, who are each beautifully wholesome, genuine, and kind, in their own unique and complex ways.  I hope I can still get to know them all.  A truly remarkable, soul-saving couple of people.  My time there has given me so much joy, happiness, humor, and distraction.  What a gift!

So, the next chapter begins.  I don’t know what to ask for or where to go next in search of wellness.  Most of what I thought I knew has been proven wrong, so I’m just going to float a while, and hope that something becomes clear.

I’m going to add a section to this blog called magic moments.  Four magic moments from each day.

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